The Majority of the Gospels are Jesus’ interactions with people. He consciously spent time engaging with people over meals.
As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him. While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Matthew 9:9-13 NIV
For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, ‘He has a demon.’ The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners.’ But wisdom is proved right by her deeds.”
Matthew 11:18-19 NIV
Why did Jesus eat with people?
It must be noted here that table fellowship in that culture was regarded as a very important symbol of the closeness, indeed the oneness, of those participating. This is one reason, for example, that Jews were not allowed to sit at the same table with Gentiles. For Jesus and his disciples to be at the same table with tax collectors and sinners implied a full acceptance of them.
Donald Hagner – Word Biblical Commentary
When you eat a meal with someone, you communicate something important about your relationship with them… you create space for them.
Reaching out to others without being receptive to them is more harmful than helpful and easily leads to manipulation and even to violence, violence in thoughts, words and actions. Really honest receptivity means inviting the stranger into our world on his or her terms, not on ours. When we say, ‘You can be my guest if you believe what I believe, think the way I think and behave as I do, we offer love under a condition or for a price. This leads easily to exploitation, making hospitality into a business.
Henri Nouwen – Reaching Out
Jesus did more than make space… he also confronted people with who he was
John 14:6 NIV
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
The other side, equally important, is confrontation. To be receptive to the stranger in no way implies that we have to become neutral nobodies’. Real receptivity asks for confrontation because space can only be a welcoming space when there are clear boundaries, and boundaries are limits between which we define our own position. Flexible limits, but limits none the less. Confrontation results from the articulate presence, the presence within boundaries, of the host to the guest by which he offers himself as a point of orientation and a frame of reference.
We are not hospitable when we leave our house to strangers and let them use it any way they want. An empty house is not a hospitable house. la fact, it quickly becomes a ghost house, making the stranger feel uncomfortable. Instead of losing fears, the guest become anxious, suspicious of any noise coming from the attic or the cellar. When we want to be really hospitable we not on have to receive strangers but also to confront them by a unambiguous presence, not hiding ourselves behind nee trality but showing our ideas, opinions and life style cleari and distinctly. No real dialogue is possible between som body and a nobody. We can enter into communicatio with the other only when our own life choices, attitudes and viewpoints offer the boundaries that challenge stranger to become aware of their own position and to explore it critically.
Henri Nouwen – Reaching Out
A meal creates the context where intimacy is possible
Intimacy: moments of human connection that produce feelings of tenderness, empathy and affection.
People can live or work together for many years but never really “see” or “hear” each other. Yet, a moment may come when one sees the other for the first time-sees the other’s coloring, the other’s expressions, the other’s many shapes, movements, differences. The one may also hear the other for the first time-hear all the other’s messages, verbal and nonverbal, emotional and factual.
James, Muriel; Jongeward, Dorothy. Born To Win: Transactional Analysis With Gestalt Experiments (Function). Kindle Edition.
Intimacy requires two people to see one another. It usually requires at least one person to consciously set aside tendencies for other things and simply be present in the moment.
There are six ways people are used to relating… and each of them can be seen in how we eat with people
- Withdrawal
- Rituals
- Pastimes
- Psychological Games
- Activities
- Intimacy
Activities: ways of structuring time that deal with external reality and are commonly thought of as work, getting something done.
Meals can be a communal activity. When men gather around a BBQ, they are engaging in an activity. When Leeanne and my daughters would work together on an elaborate dessert they had seen on Masterchef they are engaged in an activity.
Activities can create a context in which the other ways of structuring time can emerge ( e.g. rituals, pastimes, games and even intimacy)
We are built for Activity
The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.
Genesis 2:15
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:10
We hear that some among you are idle and disruptive. They are not busy; they are busybodies. [12] Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the food they eat.
2 Thessalonians 3:11-12
Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.
1 Peter 2:11-12
Activities are a fundamental part of life, and a society that focusses heavily on retirement is setting people up for disaster
When some of the above and other time-honored activities come to an end, a person frequently feels empty, restless, or useless. This problem comes into sharp awareness when certain time-structuring activities, such as caring for children, going to school, or holding a job, come to an abrupt end. Many mothers who completely fill their time with children and household chores are overwhelmed with a sense of boredom and inadequacy when the children grow up and leave home. Similarly, a father who devotes his life to being a breadwinner may suffer the same boredom and deteriorate rapidly after retirement.
James, Muriel; Jongeward, Dorothy. Born To Win: Transactional Analysis With Gestalt Experiments (Function). Kindle Edition.
Withdrawing: People can withdraw by either physically or psychologically removing themselves.
Over a meal this can look like Eating alone or while reading a newspaper, scrolling a phone, watching television or simply avoiding eye contact.
Withdrawing patterns… are often replays of a person’s childhood adaptations out of the necessity for self-protection from pain or conflict. They may also be the result of training. A child trained to “Go to your room and shut the door and don’t come out until you have a smile on your face” learns to withdraw either physically or psychologically behind a forced smile.
James, Muriel; Jongeward, Dorothy. Born To Win: Transactional Analysis With Gestalt Experiments (Function). Kindle Edition.
Withdrawing can be a healthy thing to do
Withdrawing is sometimes a rational Adult decision. People need time to be alone, to relax, to think their own thoughts, to take stock of themselves, and to be rejuvenated in their individual humanness. Even withdrawal into one’s fantasies is often legitimate. A good fantasy may be a better use of time than listening to a bad lecture.
(James, Muriel; Jongeward, Dorothy. Born To Win: Transactional Analysis With Gestalt Experiments (Function). Kindle Edition.)
But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.
Luke 5:16 NIV
Rituals: Simple transactions that help us navigate complicated moments in life
Many rituals grease the wheels of social interchange. They give strangers a way of coming together, they save time in figuring our who should go first or be served first.
There are lots of rituals over meals that are specific to culture and class. One of the challenges for a church with different cultures and classes is that it is easy to mistake rituals.
Every year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the Festival of the Passover. When he was twelve years old, they went up to the festival, according to the custom.
Luke 2:41-42
Taking Jesus’ body, the two of them wrapped it, with the spices, in strips of linen. This was in accordance with Jewish burial customs.
John 19:40
Pastimes: Innocuous conversation that doesn’t risk deeper involvement
Pastimes over meals can be things like talking about the weather or SPORTS that don’t actually disclose anything.
Pastimes can also be a way to see if someone wants to engage in a different kind of communication.
Psychological Games: A recurring set of transactions with a hidden motive and a predictable payoff.
Imagine someone says: “No one ever helps me.” If you offer help, they say: “It won’t work.” This can go back and forth until you feel frustrated. They then feel justified: “See? No one really understands me.” That pattern is sometimes called “Yes, But…” — one of the classic psychological games.
There can be all kinds of Psychological Games played over meals. Sometimes you get the feeling that the host has put on a meal specifically to get praise from people… that’s an example of a Psychological game
A psychological game usually includes:
- A hidden message
- A repeated pattern
- Emotional manipulation
- A predictable emotional ending
- Both people feeling worse (even if one feels temporarily superior)
The Healthy Alternative
Instead of playing a psychological game:
- Say what you actually feel.
- Ask directly for what you need.
- Take responsibility for your emotions.
- Be willing to hear “no.”
Direct, honest communication stops the game.
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.
Ephesians 4:15
Jesus never played psychological games; his interactions with people were not what they were used to because they were intimate.
When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.
Matthew 7:28-29 NIV
They went to Capernaum, and when the Sabbath came, Jesus went into the synagogue and began to teach.
Mark 1:21-22 NIV
The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority, not as the teachers of the law.
Our interactions with people are not meant to be what they are used to because they are meant to see our motivations
But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.
1 Peter 3:15-16
The way we are to be different is through our experience of intimacy
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. [13] Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.
John 15:9-14 NIV
The early church was so close that they genuinely saw one another as brothers and sisters, which was only possible as we remain in God’s love.
He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?” Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.” Jesus said to her, “Mary.” She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”).
John 20:15-16
A meal is our reminder of the importance of relationship
While they were eating, Jesus took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying, “Take and eat; this is my body.”Then he took a cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom.”
Matthew 26:26-29 NIV
Eating with people creates space for intimacy, but as we have seen there are lots of ways to eat with people in a way that doesn’t do that.
Who will you eat with this week?
Small Group Questions
- Why do you think Jesus chose to spend so much time eating with people, especially those others avoided? What was he communicating by doing that?
- In our culture, what does sharing a meal with someone say about your relationship with them?
- Which of the six ways of relating (withdrawal, rituals, pastimes, psychological games, activities, intimacy) do you most naturally fall into over meals, and why?
- When does withdrawal become unhealthy in your life, and when is it actually necessary and life-giving?
- Have you ever noticed psychological “games” happening around a table? What would it look like to respond with honest, direct communication instead?
- How can shared activities like cooking or hosting create space for deeper connection rather than just staying busy?
- When was the last time you felt truly seen or heard over a meal? What helped create that moment?
- Who is one person you could intentionally share a meal with this week, and how could you be fully present, honest about your faith, and genuinely receptive to them?