We have been exploring what it means to live the kind of hope-filled life that demonstrates the truth of the hope we find in Jesus.
But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,
1 Peter 3:15
We have been bouncing off the book “Getting the Life You Want” by Albert Brooks because it highlights, through research, that the bible does, in fact, point the way to a healthy and whole life. So far, we have talked about how we address the things that get in the way of a healthy and whole life:
- The discovery that Happiness isn’t the goal of life
- The power of Metacognition (thinking about our thinking) to free us from unhealthy responses to life
- Our ability to make choices about our Emotional responses to life
- The importance of thinking less about ourselves
Brooks then highlights four pillars of a hope-filled life: Family, Friends, Faith and Meaningful work. Today we are looking at what we can do to strengthen our families. By “family,” we generally mean the people you live with and are related to, by blood, adoption, or marriage: kids, parents, siblings, and spouses. God seems to give our families an important role and weight as primary places for us to express our love and faithfulness to him.
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24
Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.
Malachi 2:15-16
“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the LORD Almighty.
So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
Deuteronomy 6:4-7
Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timothy 5:8
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Colossians 3:20-21
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4
Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task. Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?)
1 Timothy 3:1-5
The weight God seems to put on families, he also seems to transfer to the church… which means most of what we talk about in relationship to family dynamics is relevant to church family dynamics.
Hosea 1:10 NIV
“Yet the Israelites will be like the sand on the seashore, which cannot be measured or counted. In the place where it was said to them, ‘You are not my people,’ they will be called ‘children of the living God.’
John 1:11-13 NIV
He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.
Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters.
Hebrews 2:11 NIV
Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
Galatians 6:10 NIV
Most people consider their families to be the biggest sources of meaning in their lives… yet they can also be the source of the most pain in our lives. There are five challenges and one commitment that can increase health in your family.
Challenge 1: Conflict
Think of conflict like the bill for a delicious meal at a restaurant: the only way for it to be zero is not to order the meal. Conflict is the cost of abundant love. The objective is not to make it go away—it is to manage it metacognitively, replace it when possible with positive emotions, and blunt it as necessary.
Albert Brooks
The most common form of conflict is unmet expectations. The most extreme form of unmet expectations is a values breach where one family member rejects something about the other’s core beliefs – which is at the root of many estrangements.
Some strategies for relating to other adults in your family:
- Don’t try to read minds – speak for yourself and listen to others
- Live your life, but don’t ask them to change their values.
- Don’t treat your family as emotional ATMs.
Challenge 2: Insufficient Complementarity in partners
There is a wrong view that you should find someone who is like you. Some similarity in basic values is no doubt beneficial to a partnership, but too much sameness brings huge costs. Romantic love requires complementarity—that is, differences.
[12] Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. [13] For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. [14] Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.
1 Corinthians 12:12-14 NIV
Strategies:
- Name and appreciate differences
- Focus on what really matters
- Trust humans more than compatibility tests
Challenge 3: Negativity Virus
A negative culture in a family can make problem-solving impossible, so there is no growth or learning, just chronic unhappiness. This often occurs because of emotional contagion, which psychologists have studied extensively.30 There’s not a particular problem to solve, just a “this sucks” attitude that moves between family members.
Albert Brooks
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
Romans 12:14-15 NIV
Strategies:
- Put on your own oxygen mask first. Work on your own Happiness and unhappiness before trying to fix others.
- Don’t take negativity personally, if you can.
- Break up a negative culture with a surprise enjoyable activity.
Challenge 4: Forgiveness
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32
Four successful forgiveness strategies:
- Discussion (“Let’s talk this through so I can let go of the hurt”
- Explicit forgiveness
- Nonverbal forgiveness (Showing affection after a fight)
- Minimisation (reclassifying the transgression as unimportant)
Two kinds of forgiveness which don’t help produce freedom from anger and bitterness
- Conditional forgiveness – can keep a relational wound open and is about reaching for power ‘over’ a person
- Pseudo forgiveness – gets brought up over and over again
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Matthew 18:21-22 NIV
Challenge 5: Dishonesty
Complete honesty—no white lies, no exceptions—is worth the consequences because it can reduce stress, deepen connections with others, and reduce emotional reactivity.
Albert Brooks
[8] For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light [9] (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) [11] Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. [12] It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. [13] But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.
Ephesians 5:8-9,11-13 NIV
Strategies:
- First, before being honest, solicit and accept honesty from others.
- Second, offer truth to heal, never to harm.
- Third, think about how to communicate in a way that is most likely to be heard.
The commitment: Never Give Up
Don’t avoid conflict, which is your family’s opportunity to learn and grow if you understand where it originates and manage it appropriately. You naturally think compatibility is key to relationship success, and difference brings conflict. In truth, you need enough compatibility to function, but not all that much. What you really need is complementarity to complete you as a person. The culture of a family can get sick from the virus of negativity. This is a basic emotional-management issue, but applied to a group instead of to you as an individual. The secret weapon in all families is forgiveness. Almost all unresolved conflict comes down to unresolved resentment, so a practice of forgiving each other explicitly and implicitly is extremely important. Explicit forgiveness and almost all difficult communication require a policy of honesty. When families withhold the truth, they cannot be close.
Your kids provide a rare glimpse into your own past. Your parents are a vision of your future. Your siblings are a representation of how others see you. Giving that up means losing insight into yourself, which is a lost opportunity to gain self-knowledge and make progress as a person. Never give up on the relationships that you did not choose, if at all possible.
Albert Brooks
How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity! It is like precious oil poured on the head, running down on the beard, running down on Aaron’s beard, down upon the collar of his robes. It is as if the dew of Hermon were falling on Mount Zion. For there the Lord bestows his blessing, even life forevermore.
Psalm 133:1-3 NIV
Small Group Questions
- When you think about the word “family,” what emotions or experiences come to mind?
Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable. How does it encourage you to remember that God also invites us into his family through Christ? - Which of the five family challenges stood out to you the most—conflict, complementarity, negativity, forgiveness, or honesty?
Why do you think that particular challenge resonated with you, and what does Scripture have to say about it? - Conflict is often the result of unmet expectations rather than a lack of love.
How have you seen healthy conflict strengthen a relationship? What practical steps can help us handle disagreements in a way that reflects Jesus? - The New Testament describes the church as the family of God.
Which of the principles discussed today would make the biggest difference if we practised them more consistently in our church community? How could your small group model this? - The sermon ended with the commitment to “Never Give Up.”
Is there a relationship—within your family, church, or another close relationship—where God might be calling you to take one faithful step this week? What could that step look like, and how can the group pray for you