We can live near someone for years without really seeing them.
When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table. A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
Luke 7:36-50
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner.”
Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.”
“Tell me, teacher,” he said.
“Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”
Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.”
“You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.
Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”
Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”
The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?”
Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
Fear can make us believe we know someone before we have heard their story.
I met Ahok in Belitung Timur in 2006, when he was the local regent—the head of the district government. An ethnic Chinese Christian, he later became governor of Jakarta. In 2017, he was sentenced to two years in prison for blasphemy, in a case that drew international concern about religious and ethnic intolerance.
Fear shapes how we see other people and how we imagine they see us.
They gave Moses this account: “We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit. But the people who live there are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large. We even saw descendants of Anak there. The Amalekites live in the Negev; the Hittites, Jebusites and Amorites live in the hill country; and the Canaanites live near the sea and along the Jordan.”
Numbers 13:27-33
Then Caleb silenced the people before Moses and said, “We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.”
But the men who had gone up with him said, “We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are.” And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, “The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.”
The spies saw themselves as grasshoppers and assumed that was how the people in the land saw them too.
We can decide that someone will reject us before we have even spoken to them.
Following Jesus requires us to face our fears while still using wisdom.
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7
“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. Be on your guard; you will be handed over to the local councils and be flogged in the synagogues. On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say,
Matthew 10:16-19
There is a difference between recognising danger and avoiding an awkward conversation.
We dehumanise people when their label becomes more important to us than their personhood.
Martin Buber — I and Thou
Summary of Buber’s distinction:
I–It: I experience, classify or use the other.
I–Thou: I meet the other as someone whose reality goes beyond my categories.
We need categories to make sense of life. The problem comes when a category becomes all we can see.
The difficult neighbour. The homeless person. The person who votes differently. The person serving my coffee.
What happens when we know someone’s category but have no interest in their story?
It is possible to help someone while still looking down on them.
Eric Berne’s transactional analysis — the four life positions
- I’m OK; you’re not OK.
- I’m not OK; you’re OK.
- I’m not OK; you’re not OK.
- I’m OK; you’re OK.
“I’m OK; you’re not OK” can sound generous: I have the answers. You have the problems. I will fix you.
“I’m OK; you’re OK” recognises that both of us have worth, both can contribute and both can grow.
“OK” refers here to our worth as people. We still take responsibility for our behaviour and need God’s grace.
Jesus challenges the assumption that we are the people who have everything sorted.
Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.”
Luke 7:40-43
“Tell me, teacher,” he said.
“Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”
Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.”
“You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.
Before we approach someone as the person who has all the answers, we need to remember how much we have received.
Genuine relationship requires us to receive as well as give.
The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
1 Corinthians 12:21-26
Jesus received the love of a woman whom Simon had dismissed.
Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”
Luke 7:44-50
Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”
The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?”
Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
Loving our neighbour means making room for a real relationship.
Whatever town or village you enter, search there for some worthy person and stay at their house until you leave. As you enter the home, give it your greeting. If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you. If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.
Matthew 10:11-14
The first step in loving your neighbour is simply letting people matter to you.
Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman?
Luke 7:44
Who comes to mind when you hear that question?
- Someone you have avoided because of an assumption?
- Someone you have reduced to their worst behaviour?
- Someone you keep helping but never really listen to?
- Someone whose offer of help you keep refusing?
Small Group Questions
- Have someone read Luke 7:36–50. What did Simon see when he looked at the woman, and what did Jesus draw his attention to? What challenges you about their different responses?
- The spies in Numbers 13 assumed others saw them as grasshoppers. Have you ever expected someone to reject you, then discovered you had misunderstood them? How do you distinguish genuine caution from fear of an awkward conversation?
- Buber describes the difference between treating someone as an “It” and meeting them as a “You”. Where do you notice yourself reducing people to a label, a role or a problem? What has helped you see the person behind the label?
- Think about the four “I’m OK; you’re OK” positions. Which do you recognise in yourself when relating to people who are different from you? How does Jesus’ story of two people who both needed their debts forgiven challenge your attitude?
- Do you find it easier to give help or receive it? Talk about a time when allowing someone to help you deepened your relationship. Who could you take a genuine step towards this week, and how can the group pray for you?